Saturday 3^rd July

The rest of the week has been calm. Joshua is gradually getting more of an appetite. He asked if he can go clothes shopping in Reading with his girlfriend. I feel in some ways that we could be putting her at risk if we let him go– what if he has an episode in the town centre? He has had some difficulty in social situations for a couple of months now,  his confidence has dropped. How will he cope amongst so many people? On the same token he has been at home for a week, and has been doing everything that he should be. So we agree to let him go just for a couple of hours, he has his phone on him. Dave drops them and they ask if they can get the train back.  The next couple of hours were a worry, but he kept in touch, and came back smiling but exhausted. I also took the opportunity to look at the ICD scale this week  - the chart is very complex, outlining the different sorts of the illness. I need to spend more time to read this.

Sunday 4^th July

It’s a gorgeous weekend so we decide to barbeque. I’m concerned for Joshua's girlfriend as this is a lot to deal with. She says she has lots of friends but not anyone that she completely confides in. She has seen so much with Joshua, and I wonder where she gets her support from after he has had a bad day.  She knows that she can talk with us at anytime, and we do, but I take the plunge and invite her mum over. We have met only briefly once.

We got on great, and spoke openly about Joshua, and the effect his illness has on others. When she went home after we had a few glasses of wine it was a relief to know that she now understands what is going on and can support her daughter fully.   It had been on my conscience for a while. I have admiration for this young girl, who at sixteen years old has constantly stood by Joshua. He is very lucky. I wonder sometimes if it could all become too much for her and she might end things. He would never be able to cope with that at this point.

Monday 5^th July

Again Joshua fancied having a go at baking a cake, which turned out really well. I think he is getting a bit bored being home all the time so we sat in the garden and talked about different places we can visit at weekends so that he has things to look forward to. I go home early evening as I am back to work tomorrow.

Dave calls me late evening to say that Joshua has had trouble settling to sleep and came downstairs upset. It seems that when we were talking earlier in the garden, the voices popped up in his head, and he is scared. I chat to him on the phone and try to reassure him that we will call Steve about this tomorrow. Understandably he is worried that the medication is no longer working for him. He was initially put on a lower dose of Aripiprozole, with a view to increasing it if need be. I know very little about this but assume that he may need an increased dosage, it’s still the very early stages of recovery, and although he is seventeen he has the body of a man. From articles I have read the medication needs to be the right dosage for the individual depending on the severity of the symptoms, it is very sensitive.

27th June cont...

So jumping back to my marriage – the lifestyle changed as did he. I have written at length my thoughts, feelings and generally how life was for the three years leading upto the end of my marriage. An affair happened, and a child was born to the other woman. It affected the children deeply. It is very personal, so I am choosing to omit these paragraphs on the blog.  Joshua must remain the focus.

Today was uneventful until the evening when on Joshua became anxious. He came to us, close to tears, and begged us not to take him back to the hospital tomorrow. We didn’t plan to anyway, and tell him so. Again we talk it through, and he knows that both Dave and myself have shifted work commitments, meetings, and life in general so that one of us will be around continually to be there for him through these early stages of recovery. At the same time it’s a two way street so he must meet us halfway and continue to take his medication, rest, and look after himself as far as eating properly, and personal hygiene. This sounds like very basic stuff, and it is, but he can’t cope with anything more just now. A day at a time. We will call both the hospital and Steve first thing tomorrow to work together on this.

Monday 28^th June

A phone call frenzy today, but much has been sorted out. The consultant at the hospital wholly agrees with the plan and has wished us well. Steve has also been very supportive and has asked us to go in for a meeting tomorrow.  Joshua continues to take his medication which is really having an effect now. He is much calmer in general, and is listening to his body and sleeping when he needs to.

He found a recipe book today and fancied the flapjack recipe topped in caramel and chocolate – he has a sweet tooth. This sounds like a very simple task, and for most of us it is. Because he has been so distracted I didn’t think he would complete the recipe, but he did. From turning the oven on, to weighing things out, and finishing it off. At one point the chocolate topping didn’t work out, and he got quite upset about it, not angry, but i think he was getting tired. So we removed it and he did it again and it was perfect.

 Tuesday 29^th June

It was back to work for me today, I came home to my place last night.  I thought of Joshua constantly and called him several times. He is still sleeping much of the day, and his night time routine is also starting to fall into place which is great news. I left work early as we had an appointment at CAMHS to meet with Steve.

Joshua talked through how he was feeling. He has been diagnosed with ‘Paranoid Schizophrenia  F20.05 in ICD 10’. He has prescribed more sleeping pills – the same ones as the hospital did - for seven days to ensure he continues to sleep well.  Steve thought that Joshua appeared more relaxed as the medication was working. He is also going to write to the local hospital and ask for an MRI scan of his head. This is to check that all is well, as he often took massive blows to his skull when having an episode.

At the supermarket afterwards, while waiting for the prescription I picked a few bits and pieces up, and had a good look at the people around me. I wondered if there was anyone else there that had similar going on in their lives as we do right now. Watching families laughing, chatting as they walk up and down the aisles made me want to scream. The world carries on as normal, no matter how much I want it to stop, just for a while so I can catch my breath. As I queue at the checkout a little boy is sat in the trolley in front of me while his dad loads the shopping onto the belt. The boy must be three years old. He cries, obviously tired, and wants everything and anything to hold as his dad is trying to pack things. His dad then puts his face close to the little boy and tells him to shut up and be quiet which makes the young boy even worse, as young children do. He again tells him to be quiet and says ‘what’s wrong with you....are you crazy?’ A simple comment, that I too would have used up until recently. I put my basket down, and walked out of the shop.