All afternoon I re live the conversations we had in the past. My so called ‘sermons’ which although were admittedly done in quite a laid back fashion, were truthful and to the point, to sow the seeds of danger in his head. I remembered the time a few months before when he came home with red eyes, which made me feel anxious, and I grilled him. I was certain he had taken something, but he denied it.  In all honesty I didn’t believe him.  The eyes were not Josh’s, he couldn’t look at me directly that night, and he was, just, different.  I knew, but didn’t want to believe it. Buried my head in the sand I suppose plus I didn’t want to push him into a corner, as I was insure of how he might react if he was under the influence. It hurt. I expressed my dismay, and disgust, and went off up to bed. I felt he had the upper hand that night, and when I went upstairs, I wanted him to leave.  

He eventually turned up in the evening, it felt like I had been waiting, stewing, for an age. I always believe a straight question deserves a straight answer and I have it out with him, blunt and to the point. He throws in the odd lie, but the evidence is real, I know him too well. His mannerisms, his faulty speech – he is guilty as charged. How could he do this? He has been bought up to know the dangers.  I want to shake him – I’m far from a violent person, in fact I’m known for being relaxed and laid back, but I can’t believe he has done this. He apologises, but it washes over me. He won’t give it up. He gets up and goes to his car drives off. He knows I know.  I assume he is going to hide at his dads for a few days.

A week or so later after no contact, another sign of his guilt, he comes to tell me that he has stopped smoking cannabis....he just turned up like any other day and randomly said that. I feel fairly flat still about the whole thing, and have spent much time both day and night thinking about it. I tell him that he can say what he likes but if he sneaks off to smoke it behind everyone’s back then he is only lying to himself.  Similar as I did when I packed up cigarettes – then started again on the quiet...hiding outside for a quick puff and thinking that no one knew. I honestly don’t know if he has the willpower to stop. It’s only been a few days and its Friday tomorrow, so he gets paid and usually goes out.  At least now I know where his money has been going, he never has anything to show for it. He says he doesn’t want that lifestyle anymore. That he needs to make changes. That he needs to be a better role model for his brother, that he wants me to be proud of him. It the most sensible thing he has said in a long time – but I’m feeling that maybe he is telling me what he thinks I long to hear, I so hope he can so this. I want to save him, wrap him up and protect him, but I can’t.