Monday, May 31^st 2010.

I was back at the hospital with Joshua this morning. When I arrived on the ward and found his bed it was empty as he was in with the Psychiatrist, he is seventeen, should I be with him? I didn’t sleep – wide awake in the early hours, beating myself up all night as to why he took such drastic action. He has a good life, he works, he has a car, a girlfriend, and of course his family who all love him to bits. As much as I try to find answers, nothing adds up. He came back to the ward, said hello, and then slumped on the bed looking so sad, and totally tired and beaten by it all. The Psychiatrist introduced herself and then proceeded to tell me that she had a good chat with Joshua and she feels he needs a hobby to keep him busy – is she for real? I thought I heard wrongly so asked her to repeat herself – no, I heard her right the first time. I questioned her but she really didn’t want to engage in conversation. I’m far from happy. So, if you drink bleach and swallow handfuls of tablets you need a hobby to take your mind off things? I don’t think so. His ID labels were cut off, his few belongings dumped into a bag, and we are pushed out to make room for the next person.

 It’s a Bank Holiday, the sun has made an appearance, but our smiles faded some weeks ago.  I feel the psychiatrist wants to be able to tick us off her ‘to do’ list so that she can go home. I know deep in my heart last night’s events will happen again, as we have no answers as to what triggered it, what is eating him up so badly, and there is no plan going forward. Whether it’s a cry for help or something else I don’t know, but it’s extreme. It will happen again, of that I am sure. Joshua is withdrawn and looking poorly, surely anyone can see that? How could they let him come home? He doesn’t want to talk – he is exhausted, so he goes to his dad’s house, he just wants to sleep. I take Ethan to my parents’ house as we planned some time ago to visit for lunch then onto a Summer Fete.  I tell them of last night’s events, of how life has been – they are supportive, but shocked. I don’t think they know what to say.