Wednesday 16^th    June

I stayed up late on the computer last night to have a good look through the effects the tablets may have and what they do. I did read through the leaflet which came in the box, but being a curious creature I wanted to know more. It seems that it may take upto seven days to build up in the brain. There are lots of case studies, family stories, and facts and figures out there about the drug and most make positive reading. It works well for some, others move onto a different drug, but there are many options. Suddenly I don’t feel so alone anymore. I felt a tiny spark of hope.

The medication is called Aripiprazole, an anti psychotic, which sounds very extreme, but in blunt terms it corrects the chemical imbalance in the brain and thus makes the voices go away. Joshua takes his tablet again although he is still withdrawn. I think he is hoping that there will be instant quiet, so I try to explain that it may take a few days to start to work, that we must hang on in there. An article I read last night also stuck in my mind regarding young men and the medication which I keep thinking about.

It said that the trick is to make sure the medication is taken every day. Often young men may take it for a short while, feel they are symptom free when in fact it is the medication which makes them feel that way. They wake up one morning and feel great, then decide not to take it any more. Within a few days the levels drop in their systems and they go back to how they were before. They relapse to their old angry, upset, volatile self. It frequently happens, and then they are often taken to hospital until the medication is back in the system, and things calm down. So I must nag him to make sure he takes it.

Thursday 17^th June

Joshua isn’t working anymore, he just can’t cope. He says his head is really noisy. They keep him awake at night when he needs to sleep. It must be so frustrating. They get louder when he is on his own, it gets unbearable while he does even simple tasks like taking a shower. In the day time it all catches up and he ends up napping, so the sleep pattern has also gone horribly wrong which makes things even worse for him.

He told me the voices goad him to hurt Ethan and me which makes me really uncomfortable. I packed all the sharp things away. I sobbed as I did it as I never thought I would feel so threatened in my own home, but I do, incredibly so. It is affecting us quite deeply already. I worry for Ethan. He has seen and heard so much over the last few weeks but every day he still pulls himself out of bed, gets ready and goes to school. On his return home he religiously does his homework, has his tea, and then goes off on his bike with his friends.

Joshua came home earlier and looked completely dark in his face. I could see he was about to spiral. He got nasty, he refused his tablet as he said they are doing nothing, I couldn’t get him to understand it will take time, he wouldn’t listen, very irrational. He punched the kitchen floor and made his knuckles bleed, he slammed his head several times against the door, then punched himself hard many times in the head. It was with such force, the sound of the thud as it made contact made me feel sick inside. He lunged at me a couple of times, he is much bigger than me at six foot tall, and very strong, and although it may have looked to an outsider like I was standing up to him, being tough even, in fact I was welded to the spot in absolute fear. Scared of him, scared of them.

We went nose to nose, the look in his eyes I will never forget. Wide eyed, but full of hate, real nasty, vile, hate and growling through clenched teeth. And then in a second, as quick as it started, it stopped. He dropped like a dead weight to the floor in the hallway. From a rigid dark, angry form, to a slumped wimpering mess huddled in the corner. He sobbed. His words all jumbled, he apologised as best he could. He explained that me, his mum, make the voices mad, they dislike me, they know what I am doing, and if he listens to me and takes the medication, they will release Mr Questionmark and he will kill me.

Terrified, he is caught between two worlds. Our reality and another which is not real, but to him it is, and it’s taking him over, consuming him rapidly.  The thought that he may hurt me, or worse, has forced him to make the choice to stop his tablets.  I sat with him for some time, and just held him really. I didn’t know what to say to make it all better. There were no words. He is trying to protect me from them.