Saturday 19^th June

I came downstairs this morning to see the writing pad on the side. Joshua quite often sits with a pad a pencil on an evening and scribbles, doodles and draws. He always loved art, or anything that he could be creative.

As I sip the first coffee of the day I decide to make my list of things to do but get easily distracted as I leaf through the pages, some of the notes make me smile....the odd shopping list that I scribbled, then went to the shops and left behind, phone numbers, reminders, the kids writing. Then some drawings. Three pages of drawings.  Joshua's drawings.

The first is a face which doesn’t look very friendly and quite ugly. An agigtated looking face with a flash of blonde hair - this one is titled ‘Alfie’. The second one is also a face, which again is drawn in a similar way with angry features and red hair -  this one is ‘Donny’. The way in which they are drawn feels very rushed, the pencils have been pushed hard on the page, with some force. On the next page is a circle split into three parts with some handwriting either side, which at first is hard to decipher, and in the middle of the page is a huge question mark. Then the penny drops like a bomb. It’s them. The ones in his head.

There they are, looking at me, staring at me from the page. I feel disgusted by them. I want to be physically sick. After a few seconds I realise that the last drawing is showing what is going on in his head. It’s a bird’s eye view. The three way split he talks of. The words either side now make sense and spell ‘left’ and ‘right’. I slam the pad shut, and throw it in a drawer -  I didn’t want to look at them anymore. They now feel real to me, I now know how they look, the things they say, the things they do. They start to haunt me.

Joshua was tired today, probably after last nights events. His girlfriend visited, I have tried to explain things to her but it is very difficult. They have been together for ten months which is a long time in their eyes. He did take his medication though which was a start. He is eating very little, and looks like he is fading away.  

Sunday 20^th June

Today he is anxious again, very much so, but he did take his tablet. I now understand the term ‘living on a knife edge’. I know any moment he can switch over to the bad guy. Music is my thing, I never really cared for television. I have a song that I listen to every day. Probably fifteen times a day. Both Ethan and I know the words off by heart. It’s called Watercolour, by Pendulum. It makes us think of Joshua. It’s our perception of how he might be feeling. 

To me the lyrics at the beginning paint the picture of Joshua as his calm, rational self, and then the next part is when the terror takes over as the episode unfolds, and near the end it says ‘just stay where you are, let your fears subside, just stay where you are, there’s nothing to hide’ – which makes me think of the moments when I hold him and calm him afterwards.

Here are the lyrics:

When I'm falling down
Will you pick me up again?
When I'm too far gone
Dead in the eyes of my friends

Will you take me out of here?
When I'm staring down the barrel
When I'm blinded by the lights
When I can not see your face
Take me out of of here [x4]

All I believe and all I've known
Are being taken from me back at home
Yeah do your worst, when worlds collide
Let their fear collapse, bring no surprise

Take me out of here

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me
[4x]

Just stay where you are
Let your fear subside
Just stay where you are, there's nothing to hide

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me

It is a very powerful song, very emotional for us. We asked Joshua to listen to it with us. Funnily enough he likes it to. It’s our song.