The next two weeks are pretty much a blur, I’m on my own at work for the first week as my colleagues are on holiday. It’s a blessing in some ways as I can pace myself - check then re check my work. With broken sleep, awake at all hours, I’m so worried I will mess up. There is no need for me to make polite conversation, or swivel my chair round to chat while I eat, in fact I don’t want to eat. My stomach is continually in a huge knot, and my hands have started to tremor, which worries me – it must be nerves. I think I might have had a panic attack too – I had a moment where everything seemed too much. I came over light headed, my chest went tight, and I gasped for breath. It was frightening. Every time my phone rings I absolutely dread what the call will be about. Just the constant worrying where Joshua is, who he is with, what he is doing. He is working for his Dad, but is struggling. His focus has slipped, and although he goes to bed at a decent time, I often wake in the early hours to hear him up and about. He paces up and down, his face contorted into a mixture of anger and frustration. When I hear him moving I get up and ask if he is ok. He says he feels he is going mad. I try my best every night to open the doors to a conversation, so he can express his thoughts and feelings. It has never been a problem before, we have always been close, but here he is, slowly closing down, and I feel powerless. Can stopping smoking cannabis really have this effect? – it just feels so – extreme. When he pulls up on the driveway on an evening, I never know what to expect. Will it be Joshua Grizzly Bear, or Joshua Teddy Bear? Even the Teddy Bear often turns into the Grizzly Bear. I don’t know him anymore.

Saturday, June 12th 2010

I was at the ice rink with Dave, watching Ethan skate. He is very proud of his achievements, and rightly so. To digress just for a moment, I took Ethan on a rainy day some two years ago to the local ice rink for something to do, as you do. He held on to the rails and dragged himself around, but completely loved it. Anyway, we went back more and more, and within a short space of time he was skating really well. He just looked so comfortable on the ice. He made new friends and it became a regular thing. He aspired to be an ice hockey player, he would go on youtube and watch film clips of matches, or players moves. In April I emailed the ice hockey coach and asked what we needed to do for Ethan to join. He was offered a trial. We went, and as I sat and watched the other hopefuls try and be turned away, I felt it difficult to watch when it was Ethan’s turn. Completly nerve free he sailed through and was offered a place to train with the wannabees. He was so made up. And so, every Monday he learned and I watched. He soon became aware of things he needed to brush up on, and as training time was limited, the social skating sessions soon became a time when he could practise his moves as well as catch up with his friends. Saturday evenings were often sacrificed so that he could get on the ice and do his thing. So this evening both Dave and myself had gone to watch Ethan. He had not been on the ice for more than ten minutes when my phone rang, and Joshua called in hysterics.

He said he had done it again, and he is sorry. He was absolutely distraught on the phone. It was difficult at first to piece the conversation together. He said there were empty blisters and bottles of tablets on the worktop, along with empty bottles of spirits. That he knew he took them, he saw himself take them, but didn’t mean to. Dave left straight away and dashed to him, I followed shortly afterwards with Ethan. He was taken to the Hospital in Camberley. I took Ethan to Dave’s house to camp out and wait for news. Dave got back at 1am. As I said before I just felt this would happen again, but nothing prepares you for it. The emotions take over, the tears fall, and still no answers. Joshua is poorly after taking lots of tablets mixed with Vodka and Whisky. He had to drink a charcoal mixture which I think is the norm. Again I’m beat by it all, he never usually drinks, why was he so desperate to end his life? I really don’t understand. He is exhausted, in hospital, and crashed out. I know he is in the best hands, and try as best I can to explain to Ethan even though I have no answers myself. Pretty much a sleepless night again, it haunts me – this now feels big, enormous. He wants to self destruct, to throw the towel in. What if he does it again and succeeds?